I’ve been having sex for twelve years. I lost my virginity at 18 while attending JAMB lesson. My body count is over ten so I don’t think I’ve done that badly. But I have a problem: it’s the size of my penis. I’ve never been satisfied with it.
You know they say skinny men are well endowed. Not me. I’m skinny as hell and I’m not gifted like I’m supposed to be.
Although none of my exes have actually complained that it wasn’t the right size for them, a one-night-stand partner that I had said she ‘wasn’t feeling it’. She didn’t even need to say it: she just laid there while we were having sex until I rubbed her clitoris and made her come. The thing pained me. Later I asked her how big my penis was and she answered matter-of-factly- not that big. After she left, I measured my member against the DSTV remote. Turned out to be about the same size. That’s when I knew I needed penis enlargement. People who have nine-inch dicks don’t have two heads, do they?
I’ve always seen adverts about pills that can increase penis size in the newspaper. But I’ve never actually bothered to reach out to them. Perhaps the reluctance stemmed from an article I’d read once in GQ that except for surgeries, penis enlargement pills and potions don’t actually work.
Few months ago however, I stumbled on the Instagram handle of Taiye Sobonton, the herb hawker whose video went viral. Several times my friends and I laughed over the crude way she marketed her products. Sobonton played on the Yoruba word for vagina. Mawoboran means ‘Don’t just been gawking at the vagina’. Fodon means ‘smash the clitoris’. The list goes on and on. It’s hilarious. Then another video of hers made me think about it deeply: a group of guys sat in her shop drinking the herb from cups while she spoke. She targeted one and said it’s a problem that the guy had a small penis. She even stuck her hand into his trousers and shook her head in mock pity. It struck a chord with me. No man should ever suffer the indignity of presenting a miniature dick when his partner expects a sizeable piece of meat. I decided to seek her out and use some of her magic potion.
Like Nicodemus I set out under the cover of darkness. It didn’t take long to locate her shop in Agege. As I got off the bike, I became very shy. How does one begin to explain to a complete stranger that your problem is between your legs? I summoned up courage and sat on a chair. An assistant of hers came over immediate. Broda e kale, kini ka fun yin. Good evening, what can we offer you. My reply got stuck in my throat. I whispered ‘Shey e ni small stout?’ The girl rolled her eyes at me and went to bring it.
As I drank the stout, I motioned for her to come. When she came over, I asked her quietly ‘How can one be more sexually active?’ She looked at me again. ‘Shey oko yin kere ni?’ I nodded in shame, yes it is small.
‘It’s not hard, she said. All you need to use is the soap. Then combine it Sobonton and Ponkriyon. In one week, you’ll see the difference. Then I asked her the price. Her reply shocked me: Fifteen thousand, twenty thousand… even that of thirty thousand is available. I’m like WHAT?!
Again, I whispered that I only want the enlargement soap. It seemed like she wanted the whole area to know my business because she just called out loudly ‘Auntie Taiye, bring one enlargement soap.’
They brought the thing- some black soap in a transparent bowl. ‘Egbon see, this is five thousand naira. It works like magic’. At this point I was too ashamed to haggle over price so I just collected it from her and handed over the money. She went on to explain our it works: make some lather with the soap and water. Rub it on my penis and stretch it out. Rub it back and forth for about three minutes. Then let the lather dry on your penis and rinse it off after ten minutes. In four days, you will see that your organ will be longer and fatter.’
Four days she said. Well it’s been a whole month and I can say with extreme shame that I’ve been scammed. I have rubbed and soaped consistently until the five thousand naira worth of soap got exhausted. Not one centimeter has been added to my dick length. Apart from the awful smell, the coarse nature of the soap was uncomfortable every time. After the foam had dried on my dick, it became slightly peppery. But I endured it, hoping that at the end of the exercise, I’ll be the proud owner of a ten –inch bazooka. Even if I didn’t get ten, eight inches would still be a respectable spectacle.
I feel cheated and heartbroken and it’s not just the precious 5k I had to part with. The majority of women these days are outspoken and have been saying that big dicks actually do matter. When I read tweets of women laughing at slim johns like the type I have, I get worried. I cannot imagine me being the butt of an ‘inadequate’ joke, which was why I approached Madam Soboton. Apparently she can’t help me in that regard.
Now I’m contemplating going back to her and getting the Ponkriyon. After all, if I don’t have the dick size I want, there’s no harm in having a one hour long erection. That should do it. If a woman is not impressed by the size of joystick, certainly being hard for a long time should impress her. Right?
