Warning: this article contains strong language (which may be unsuitable for bible-toting adults), unusual humor (which may be unsuitable for adults who take life too seriously), and advanced mathematics (which may be unsuitable for any woman trying to figure out how many women I have slept with).
I was 13 years old when I invented apogee. I was alone in the bathroom and the early dawn temperature was crisp so I was craving some warmth. The water in the bucket was cold but my bar of Lux soap was looking really good. I was freezing, a little frisky and feeling adventurous.
Let’s just say I went all in and it was pure nostalgia and slightly shameful. I still don’t get why there is a sense of guilt and shame after one single handily generates a happy ending. I found out later that some other people had shamelessly stolen my invention before I could make some money out of it. It’s okay, I like to share and I am a philanthropist.
I stick it in with the intent to drive a woman from point “A” to point “O.” As a young green eye bandit with enough width to fit as tight as a glove, I assumed the sticking was enough to drive a woman to sound the loud horn at point “O.”
One can only imagine my utter surprise and dismay when I discovered the sticking was not good enough to drive some women from point “A “to “B” let alone, crank her all the way up to point “O.”
Look, my intention here is not to make you uncomfortable but the way some women go from point “A” to point “O” is really strange and weird in some cases. I am not supposed to but I am definitely kissing and telling. Don’t worry, I don’t plan to mention any names (Ama, Akua and Esi, you guys are safe).
I really do not wish to go into too many details so I will try my best to be modest. I lied, I am actually going to go into a lot more detail, and this might get a little awkward and uncomfortable so hang on to your unmentionables.
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Footsie Point “O”
I was dating this woman for two months and I could never get her past point “A.” I checked my ego at the door one day and asked her for help and direction.
“If I tell you, do you promise not to judge me?” She asked
“I won’t!” I shot back. “I have cheated enough and it’s time to even things out.”
“I need to have my foot rubbed during the proceedings before I can get off.” She disclosed with a devilish smile
“Is that all? I said in amusement. “You should have told me a long time ago.”
She then disclosed that her two previous Ghanaian boyfriends found her foot needs weird so she did not want to bring it up again. Let’s just say she evened up the score quickly after she told me.
Unfortunately, her revelation created a new problem. I could not prevent her from waking up my neighbors every time I touched her foot.
Bathroom Point “O”
I noticed that another woman I dated spent a long time in the bathroom every time we ended the proceedings. After months together, I was unsuccessful in getting her from point “A” to “O.”
I figured she wanted to take a shower afterward but every time she came back to the bed, her lower bottom was damp but her upper body was still dry. After an hour or so in the bathroom, it was just weird that she will come out having showered only the lower part of her body.
I brought up how strange her behavior was but she dismissed me every time. I decided to snoop but I was always met with a closed door. I got lucky one day because she forgot to lock the door. She did not hear me enter and I was met with the sounds of muffled moans.
I looked in the bathtub and there she was, spread eagle with the removable shower head furiously splashing high volumes of water directly into her secret garden. What the french!?
So this is the reason why my water bill has skyrocketed since we started dating. Anyway, I refuse to discuss what happened next after I caught her so please do not ask.
Back door Point “O”
I had never done any business in the back door willingly until I met this young woman. I had an earlier encounter when I misjudged the re-entry zone with a different woman while she was on all fours. I accidentally went from the pink area to the back door darkroom with a swoosh!
It was a quick in and out and I caused her immediate and continuous excruciating pain. I considered calling the paramedics as we were both freaking out. How on earth do I explain what happened when the medics arrive?
We both agreed not to call for help and allow the pain to pass. After that unfortunate accident, she did not trust me enough to get behind her so she never got on all fours again. Bummer!! That woman had some serious trust issues, I tell you.
Let’s just say I was taken back when a sister from the motherland placed me on notice at the get go that she only gets off in the back door.
“Okay Sister,” I respond. “So let me get this straight. You can only get from point “A” to “O” when the baby maker is drilling in the back door area? The same place where all sorts of crap come out?”
“Look, if you are uncomfortable with this, please let me know now.” She snapped back
“No, it’s cool,” I stated confidently as if I tons of experience with back door action
“Just out of curiosity,” I asked. “Where did you grow up in Ghana?’
“Sunyani,” she responded giving me the side eye and a curious smile. “Why do you ask?
‘Oh nothing,” I explained. “I just wanted to make sure you really grew up in Ghana.” (There is absolutely no connection between women from Sunyani and this story so please, do not attempt to connect the two.)
For the record, I hated it at the beginning and she loved it! Her point “O’s” was more intense than any others I had seen. I thought I was a freak but I was an amateur compared to her.
I figured out later that the space in the back door had more nerve endings than the secret garden hence, why she enjoyed it more.
I liked it because of the tightness but I had to quit before I became addicted and morph into a dude who can only get off in the back door. I am well aware that a lot of sisters will kick me out at the mere hint of any interest in their back doors.
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I have more to share but I believe three stories is enough for now. I shared the mild unbelievable ways some women get off. I am keeping the other stories which involve whips, chains, leather outfits and some acts which are illegal in some countries locked up in my vault.
Who knows, my future wifey may be reading this now. Between my article, the “Sounds of Sex” and this one, future wifey may start keeping a tally of all the women I have slept with and figure out how freaky I am.
She simply won’t believe me if I tell her my numbers are actually very low. Why do I get this weird feeling that some of my readers don’t believe me either?!
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Anything I say, can and will be used against me in the court of future wifey and she may introduce this article and the other one into evidence as Exhibit A and Exhibit B.
P.S: You are obligated to share this piece if you laughed, smiled or chuckled at anything I said in the article. If you did not laugh, chuckle or smile at all, please seek the help of psychiatrist immediately!
By Kwadjo Panyin
Photo Credits:
Model: Abena Green
Photography: Holison Photography; Nana Kofi Acquah
